First and foremost, in attempting a relationship you need to make sure you are both EMOTIONALLY available; that is, you both are available and willing participants. An effective relationship should be mutual and reciprocal. If you overlook, or try to rationalize the “unavailability” of your partner in order to avoid short-term disappointment you run the risk of long-term misery.

Over the years, I created a skewed perspective of what a relationship was suppose to be, which seemingly led me to men who were emotionally unavailable. The men I chose were often evasive, involved with multiple women, or avoided expressing any emotions or feelings for me. Yet I craved their love and attention. Why?

Now that I think back on it, my obsession with these men simply masked my own unavailability and vulnerability. I was too afraid to risk falling in love because I had been hurt in previous relationships. After being hurt, again and again, I began to think the problem wasn’t the relationship, or the guy, but me. This low-self esteem and insecurities dictated who I interacted with. I chose the love I thought I deserved; that is, if we think we are shit, then we deserve shit.

Discovering this about myself made me realize my own worth. I now work on my own emotions, rather than trying to find it in men. One of the most empowering feelings is to accept and love yourself. Once you understand yourself, and what you want, you learn you don’t have to settle for anything less than that.

Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Be true to yourself. How you treat yourself sets the standard for how others will treat you.  -Steve Maraboli

25 thoughts on “Avoid Getting Entangled In Dead-End Relationships

  1. I love the way you express… I feel your thoughts are exactly like mine… I’m so happy that somewhere in the world a girl thinks the way I do….. I think we are soul sisters… Lol… 😜😜😜 every little word you have written in your blogs is a reflection of my thoughts. Cheers to awesomeness

  2. I’ve just been through almost exactly this situation very recently, still stings a bit now if I’m honest. She was emotionally unavailable, and whilst I was ready to commit, I was looking for my happiness in her, in stead of within myself. Realising that was liberating, but acting on it is proving to be a challenge.

    It’s probably a huge mistake, but we’re attempting to stay friends. We both know where we went wrong, and we were very close for a long time before anything happened.

  3. Eva Finn says:

    Not to sound like a total “Val” but Totally!!! Keep up this terrific blog and watch your self worth and creativity grow by leaps and bounds and know that whoever YOU decide to be with is the one who will support you in all your endeavors – each of you adding to each other’s lives – rather than taking away 🙂

  4. Paul Blythe says:

    I thought I was marrying an angel. We never fought in a 44 year marriage. Always shared decision making. We had a lot of money but spent it all, usually in service to others around us. your words in your post are spot on and you would make it easy to love you.

  5. peteburnett says:

    Totally agree: if you can’t make yourself happy then the other person has no chance! The myth that love somehow fixes your insecurities and flaws (rather than merely exposing them) puts too much pressure on any relationship.

  6. TheKevin says:

    Wonderful as usually!!

  7. By the way, this is the second post of yours that pricks as if it was written specifically with me in mind. Are you psychic?

  8. dehardesty says:

    You really do have to work out your relationship with yourself before can truly relate to another. This is because, except in the rarest instances, all of our relationships are with ourselves. This is so even though there seems to be an entirely different person standing in front of you. The person you see and appear to relate to is the person you put there. All your relationships seem the same? Guess what, it is the same person, or persons, that you are projecting out there.
    I said only in the rarest instances. There are times when the real person peaks through. I have been married a long time, and periodically I look at my wife and am truly surprised at what I see. It does happen.

  9. Sometimes you can’t help being fucked-up, and it takes someone also a bit fucked-up in the same way to see beyond the fucked-upness and not treat you like a freak just because they are straighter than you. So really I’d say I just go with whatever comes up, someone that doesn’t judge me for being a bit of a freak, and can see the beautiful and creative side of that. I’ve fallen terribly foul at times, since I tend to be attracted, and attract, squares.

    1. Abhijan says:

      I often attract squares as well – i think they are attracted to my freaky bad-boy image, which is actually mostly facade. The rebellious spirit is real, but that often scares them more than the facade appealed to them, and generally squares are squares through and through, so it drains my energy that my nature always challenges them. It’s a tricky game, but one i cherish – perceived differences so often illuminate hidden similarities.

      1. Yes, of course it’ s mostly façade, I guess no-one really wants to be like Tim (in your latest post). Also, I’m not saying it’s always the square baying to the freak. Often one incident will happen with the ‘square’ and it’s curtains, because you have crossed their line in the sand. Often moral issues such as marriage are big on their agenda, and they have societal and moral values that might have already been wiped-off your hard-drive with the first tab of acid. Yet beyond all that you connect and love. It’s hard to build-up values you lost, and for the freak it’shard to wait for the square to make that ‘ultimate sacrifice’, which makes the odds very odd indeed and ups the ante unnecessarily. They usually have a ‘bubble’ too. That thing they think is themselves and act out of it accordingly, so all feeling of commonality may be lost there too. It’s tiring talking about it even.

  10. Spot on. I wrote a post pertaining to this yesterday but from the flip side, the male perspective. You can’t truly love another until you love yourself. All the insecurities you carry around stem from within you. You are the only one who creates them through your perception of what you believe may be right or wrong and the history of your relationships. The relationship which you leave or are left should be reflected upon the things you believed were wrong should be worked on in order to stop that shit repeating. The thing is though nothing about you is ever wrong, unless of course you spend time carving shit into your skin with cut glass and razor blades in which case seek psychiatric help immediately 😉 People go into relationships looking for missing parts of them, which they will never ever find in another. All the answers lay in your own reflection.
    TK

  11. This is so true! I can relate to this. I have to spend some time with myself before I date again. I don’t want to make the same mistakes anymore. I know that I deserve better than what I’ve had.

  12. Tasman Tarot says:

    Well said Avery! I’m not sure if this applies for everyone all the time though. And I wonder if the assumption that a relationship is for ever is just brainwashing by the mass media, and when we ‘fail’ time and again to ‘achieve’ ‘happily ever after we lose self esteem. I acknowledge that all is flux always, and it may be positive and rewarding to allow this to be reflected in our love-lives – after all it’s reflected in every other aspect of our lives, isn’t it? Granted my life is characterised by change, so I may not be so impartial about this and may not have the bigger picture!

  13. (>.< eek ! not again – AA, you have my permission to delete the break in my record (!!)

  14. Abhijan says:

    I was doing this as well — always getting involved with emotionally unavailable women, and for much the same reason. When i decided to prioritise my *relationship with myself*, suddenly i started attracting all sorts of loving women, and men.

    I find now that when i meet someone i like very much, i don’t necessarily bound into a relationship like a kitten onto a ball of wool. I take it slow, and feel around for a sense of that availability. If it’s not there, i hang back — the person may become a close friend, but i don’t get so burned from falling head first into love with them, only to find out they’re not ready for that sort of love.

    The other day i was writing about how i used to go head first into intimacy with people, and i’m seeing now that those times i got burned were partly because the other person wasn’t ready, willing, able or … available. Thanks for helping me to connect the dots. You may interested in the thing about about intimacy: http://fluxcomb.com/2015/03/19/intimacy-a-freakshow-of-beautiful-wonky-people/.

  15. Ain’t this the truth! It really is about us, not them. Furthermore, when we shift our focus to self-nurture, we find that the clamor to secure a “relationship” diminishes. Creating is my favorite food. 😀

    1. Tasman Tarot says:

      Exactly! And in my experience this frees us to have a satisfying relationship with someone who may not be in a position to be constantly at our bec and call. My best relationships have been recent ones in which the fella would definitely be considered by others to be emotionally unavailable, but I am left in no doubt of their deep genuine love for me, and their appreciation that I don’t sulk or punish just because they are not always available to me. I’m a big girl now with a life of my own, and the times we come together we are 100% there for each other. I sometimes wonder if I’m really kidding myself, but I don’t think I am. Each relationship teaches me something, and heals me a little and him a little. I am intuitive, and I know that within a few years I will enter my final long-term relationship for this lifetime, but these relationships in the meantime are invaluable, probably necessary stepping-stones. Having said that, I enjoy being single and alone as well.

  16. Ain’t this the truth! It really is about us, not them. Furthermore, once we shift our focus, the clamor to secure a “relationship” diminishes in favor of self-nurture. Creating is my favorite food. 😀

  17. sjunczyk says:

    AVERY!!!! I sooo wish my phone would automatically type what I think and not where my fingers mistype! X

    1. Abhijan says:

      I like to embrace typos — sometimes they reveal truths we least expected: if you’re involved with an unavailable lover, avert avert!

      1. Tasman Tarot says:

        lol very true!!! Like Freudian slips!

  18. sjunczyk says:

    I loved this! It rings true! Thanks Avert x

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